he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
