Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
