Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
