Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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