why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
