now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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