You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
