I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
