Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
