yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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