Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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