I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
