be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
