Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
