Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
