I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
