We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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