I have demons in me.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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