i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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