Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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