he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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