the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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