I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
