the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
