Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
