They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
