it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
