mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Operation Purity has been aborted
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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