o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I want her autograph on my taint
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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