Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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