I'm jealous of your bromance
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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