Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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