He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
