I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
