I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
