so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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