My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
