remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Randomize
