Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
