I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
