I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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