I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
