I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
