well I can't set my house on fire every night
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
