So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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