The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
