booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
