Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
