All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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