I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
