i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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